With almost 6 weeks to go until due date, I’ve suddenly hit a wall with myself. I feel fat. Ugly, horrible, F-A-T.
In the first trimester I lost weight. I was so nauseous all the time, feeling so miserable and sick, that I didn’t eat much or properly. I lost just over 2 kilos within 6 weeks.
At 18 weeks pregnant I’d gained 2.5 kilos. By 26 weeks I was up 9 kilos. When I was 30 weeks I was up 10 kilos – I had a nice plateau for about a month until 30 weeks! And now at 33 weeks I seem to be gaining around a kilo a week. The baby books say that our baby is now gaining around 200g of fat a week. And that most women stack on the weight steadily around this time until birth. Doesn’t make me feel prettier!
And it’s not the number on the scales that bother me really. Earlier this week I looked in the mirror and realized how unattractive I look to myself. My mind filled with many thoughts – my husband must feel repulsed by me right now, why didn’t you take more care of what you were eating, you have so much work to do to feel beautiful again etc etc.
I remember reading other blogs of women who were pregnant and complaining about their bodies and weight gain and how much it was getting them down, during and after pregnancy. I remember thinking but you are carrying a baby! As long as you and baby are healthy, who cares what you weigh or how you look, crazy woman! And now, I totally get it. You’ve given your body over as host to this little being inside of you, for months and months… and there comes a point where you want it back!
I think I’m at that point.
I don’t make much effort lately in general with my looks. I never wear make up unless I’m going out. I don’t bother with my hair unless I have to. Usually it’s just in a messy bun on top of my head. I feel for my husband, and for myself I suppose – I should care about how I feel. Looking nice always makes me feel nice. But my poor hubby… he walks in the door every evening to a wife with a big belly who weighs 13 kilos more, with scraggly hair, not a scrap of make up on and dressed in baggy track pants and an oversized hoodie. Every evening. Compare this to the efforts I used to make (again, for both myself and my man) where I’d be wearing simple but effective make up, with my hair out and nicely styled and I’d be wearing decent attractive clothes. Ohh how times have changed. I’m too tired to bother these days! I don’t have the energy I used to have. Wonder what it’ll be like when baby actually arrives, haha!
So here I am, pledging to start making more of an effort.
Yes I’m tired – oh so tired lately (read: cannot be bothered!). Yes the thought of putting on some mascara makes me wonder but why… I’m not going out of the house and I’ll just have to wipe it off in 5 hours before my shower. Yes I know a lot of women don’t wear make up ever or only on special occasions. But I think I need to just pull my finger out brush my hair, put on a nice cardigan, and wack on a slick of eyeliner. I need to feel like me again.
As for the weight? The weight will come off. Eventually. There is nothing I can do right now about it. I’m not going to start restricting my food and running around the block at 8/9 months pregnant. I’m not one for diets when I’m not pregnant (ever!). I need to just accept my body has changed for the sake of this little being inside of me and I will get back to how I want to be, feel and look – in due time. Women need to stop pressuring themselves so much. I generalize because I know I’m not the only pregnant female out there who is struggling with this! Why do we do this to ourselves? Why can’t we look at our bodies and think I look different, curvier, beautiful. My body is doing amazing things to grow this baby. I am so blessed.
On that note, here is a picture of my beautiful curvy pregnant body, taken at 33 weeks ;)